I have a tendency, like many, to base my self-worth up on how much approval I get. In high school and college I did a lot of theater, and the more applause I got, the cooler I felt. I like to sing as well and I even had a (short) stint for a few years of writing angsty, clever songs on my guitar. Some people gave me a lot of positive feedback and I reveled in their praise. I felt very worthwhile and therefore valued myself more.
After a point I always seem to move on to a new interest. And I usually set out upon my new road to discovery with a lot of intentions. I want to excel at what I do. I want to love doing it. And, right up there at the top, I want people to pour praise on me. I want to have fans.
My newest creative endeavor (if you can call the last six years 'new') is writing. I have now written four novels (with varying skill) and gone through the submission process three times. It's so much harder than auditioning for a show, so so much harder. An obvious difference is that you spend months prepping and writing a novel and query letter only to wait another interminable amount of time to be rejected, but I think there are other reasons, reasons I need to admit to myself, things I personally struggle with. For instance, maybe I just had more natural talent back during my performing days. Maybe I'm not as good a writer as I was an actress (and I have no illusions about my talents as an actress, I assure you). And maybe I care more about writing than I did acting. In fact, I'm almost positive this is the case.
I may have been seeking to charm people since the third grade when I played Rumpelstiltskin in our class play but I've loved reading constantly, all-consumingly since I first learned to do it. Reading (notice, I don't claim writing) is my first love, my first passion. And only recently have I striven to double that joy by creating my own stories. It is the most enjoyable (and difficult) quest I've ever embarked upon.
Acting is a heady, self-gratifying thing. Actors can kid themselves all they want about their lofty ambitions to help people with their art, but that was never it for me. I knew I liked applause and have never pretended otherwise. Sure, you have to practice and memorize and learn choreography and blocking and all that, but your fellow actors are watching you while you do it, your director is focusing their full attention on you, so that audience exists even before tickets are sold and the house is full (or not so full).
I did comedy improv with a group of very talented individuals for a little while in college as well and I hated it. Do you know why? Because during rehearsal everyone was so intent on getting their own laughs that no one laughed at each other's jokes. It was all the performing with none of the ease. And I'm lazy; I didn't want to have to work without praise so that I could perform for praise. I wanted it the whole time.
Hence my current stumbling block. Not only is there no cheering section while I write my books (besides my very very supportive husband), at the finish not only do I not have a screaming fan base, I have a stomach full of nervousness and doubt. It's about as opposite of performing in a show as you can get. And the work which I've put into each book (which proves I love it- I'm telling you I'm normally really lazy) is important only to me (and, once again, my fabulously supportive husband). Agents don't care about how much work you've put in, they care if they can sell it or not.
I'm trying to reconcile what I'm learning about writing and seeking to be published with my life-view and sense of self worth. Was my gluttony for laughs and applause a great thing back in college when I got them? No. But I did get them, so I wasn't really in danger of becoming despondent from the lack. But this is different. I love to write. I must keep doing it. And I must figure out a way to still value myself, even if no one ever wants to publish me, even after I write twenty books (that's the most depressing thing I've ever written).
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